Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
