Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
