Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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