I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
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I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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