Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
