theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
