just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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