she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
