no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
