ugly people sure do ruin things
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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