Already got asked if we're dating
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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