he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
