Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
