i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
