He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We left the knife in your bed.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
