I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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