She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
