I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
