I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
