I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Randomize
