His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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