we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He kissed a someone with a penis
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
