I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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