She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He? As in you personified your dick?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
