my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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