highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
