It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
