I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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