I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
