im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
