He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you mean i was at the winter classic?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
