Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
