her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The 33 Worst Things Men Have Said While Hitting On Women
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.