Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
