So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets