she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
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i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
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It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.