So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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