Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
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Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
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I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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