I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
