Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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