i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
