I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
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Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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