If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
