Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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