How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
