i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
