I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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