If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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