Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
