so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
