I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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