Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize