So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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