Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
