see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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