How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
