dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
