enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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