Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
