I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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